if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
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My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I can’t wait!
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”