interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
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GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Doctors texting each other.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
me 2 months after i graduated
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t