Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
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All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”