I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

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Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.


Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie


There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.


Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.


FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone


I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.


I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.


*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*


If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?