Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
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5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
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I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
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I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
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