Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
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-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
This is so me 😂😂
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.