Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.