watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
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And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I bet birds love this building.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Confused owl: What?!
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack