if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
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*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Cake!!
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.