This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
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I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?