The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
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God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol