Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
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This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Doing math together is known as fourplay.