[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
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People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Yes my dude
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.