It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
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My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
awkward
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.