“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
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Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Whoa… oh I see lol
Möther may I have a snäck
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
It’s actually Dr. whatever
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat