“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
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Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
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I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
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there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’