I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
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how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press