a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
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I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!