a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
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Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”