One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
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I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Day 2 of my diet
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*