Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
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Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
A dead goose is called a ghoost
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away