Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
You Might Also Like
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
c’mon!
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.