I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
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Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”