Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
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6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Lol.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
The news in a nutshell.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.