6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
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*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Danger is very dangerous
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
The news
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“