If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
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My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Barbie gone wild
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century