“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
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how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities