*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
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Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.