Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
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Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.