The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
You Might Also Like
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.