Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
You Might Also Like
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Spring of Deception