“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
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How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.