[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
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Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.