[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
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I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
brian had himself a morning…
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Goodnight 🐶
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*