The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
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Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
pizza
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
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You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.