“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
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Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)