boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
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Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
My patience has stretch marks.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you