If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
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I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
August 8
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop