If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
You Might Also Like
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Basically.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?