[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
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Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750
me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
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