Customize Your Wedding.
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If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs