[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
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Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)