My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
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Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Bruh PLEASE
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.