How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
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[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]