Body by sandwich.
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Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
only 11 steps left
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE