when u get so high u forget u ordered food
You Might Also Like
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?