Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
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Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.