The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
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My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
TODAY
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
reminder
They did not miss in the small print
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
yea so i messed up lol
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Every work meeting this week
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*