If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
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Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.