the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
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Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.