this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
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50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”