*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
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Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
The three genders
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.