Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
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Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
brian had himself a morning…
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor