putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
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5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.